You’re talking to that one real fucking good looking girl at the party.
And she seems to be digging your lines. She’s even laughing at the ‘funny’ comments you make as you diss the bands being played out the ipod speakers that have been used so much over the semester that the bass has become a constant distorted thump.
All the other guys are jealous, they’re pretending their not, they’re pretending their not even looking, but you see them glance, they're looking over constantly and you play it cool, making you feel like the godfather of all the yo-yo’s at this party. Tonight you are king. You almost have that one girl.
Now it’s not that i’m saying i’m at parties with only one good looking girl. No, i’m awesome and the parties i attend are awesome and full of some awesome people including some real stunning girls (Although there are often many douchebags/munters/fat chicks at the parties i attend, but that can’t be helped, the world is infested with douchebags). But at every party there is always one girl, so much prettier that all the others, or so sluttily dressed that everyone knows she is up for anything that night. She is the one girl all the guys are after, the prize for the dude with the best game.
So this is your fucking shot, it’s rap time, fire down all the lines you can. If you B Rabbit it and leave her speechless, you’ve got it, done, easy. Go to bed and enjoy your prize. Choke now, one bad joke, one ‘funny’ diss on some band that she actually loves and it’s over. You’re just one more asshole that hit on her and failed. Stand aside and let the next dude in take his shot, he’s already been lining it up anyways. But no, don’t let that happen, it’s not fucking hard. You’ve fucked many girls before her, just do the same; let her know you’re interested, yet act like you don’t give two fucks if you end up fucking her or not. Showing desire gives off signs of weakness and desperation. Shock fact: she doesn’t want to fuck a desperate or weak guy, not immediately anyways, she may spread her legs after some work and committal of resources, but you’re not fucking her that night if you let her know you want to. It may go against everything you’ve ever thought or been told, but it’s basic psychology, if you act like you don’t care she wonders why you don’t care, she’s attractive lots of guys hit on her but why don’t YOU want to fuck her. You are being nice, you’re interested but you don’t care, you must have lots of things going on. She can’t have you immediately so she wants you.
But you know all that and you know that you’re having one of those nights, you’ve played it perfectly. She’s wanting it and you’re getting it tonight. She’s gagging for it, you could take her away now and go find some room to fuck the night away in but you keep her waiting, make her want you even more. Even after you stroke her hip as you lean in to talk to her, and she very obviously pushes her tits right up against you, you completely ignore her and turn and talk to your friend. She can’t stand this, it’s supply and demand, scarcity drives the price up. So now she really wants you.
But then this happens. The douchebag that brought her to the party walks over and starts talking shit. He’s that type of guy that thinks he’s a player, he’s been friends with this girl for ages yet never shagged her. And he starts firing off all these lines about how you’re a man-whore, how one girl said you had herpes, another said you’re dick was tiny and you couldn’t get it up.
Obviously you play it cool, you let him fire out everything he has got and then you come back with your amazing come back, anything will do, even something simple like “Hey man, i told you before, i’m not gay, i just don’t bend the same way as you. I don’t want you to suck me off, you have to get over it and stop trying to ruin all the chances i get with beautiful women.” It really doesn’t matter just as long as you stay cool, act cool and retain the power.
Obviously that’s what you do.
I punched the guy.
And i didn’t get the trophy i’d been playing for all night. I didn’t get the hero status of the party i should have for punching a douchebag. No, apparently i’d killed the buzz of the party. And everyone seemed to care more about his bleeding nose than me getting my hole.The girl gave me a dirty look and joined everyone round her ‘friend’. At least i could join my friends and laugh at the pussy on the floor milking a nose bleed.
And don’t feel sorry for the guy on the floor and his bleeding nose and the blood from which he wiped all over his face to make it look worse. He is a douchebag, such an asshole who thinks he is a player. He had known this hot girl for ages and been failing in trying to fuck her for ages. And still acts like a player. My friend says that before he really saw i was about to fuck her (obviously my friend noticed before him because he can read signals- he has game) he was making a big thing about how he brought her to the party and she was so into him.
He is the definition of a cock-block. And the reason i write this blog is because i’m sure you have been in very similar situations and come across an assholes like him. And i’ve no idea how you reacted, maybe you puched him and still got the girl. But if not just make sure next time you play it cool, fight the urge to punch his fucking annoying face in and shag your girl.
Monday 22 June 2009
Sunday 12 April 2009
17 /18 something
I've been working every day this week, i've no free time, i haven't played call of duty in ages and i am so tired that in a conversation with a girl at work i couldn't remember the name of 'Girls Aloud' even though there is some story on them/Cherl - in the Sun every day. I said 'Girls ....' and then drew a blank.
To cheer me up from the realisation that working sucks ass, and will soon become my life and not just a holiday thing, when i finished today, my girlfriend took me to the cinema. Seems like a nice gesture, but I just could not be bothered and made it very obvious that it was not what i wanted to be doing. And the cinema in my town is so shit. I sat in an unbelievably uncomfortable seat, in a cinema full of girls chatting and lauging and illuminating the whole cinema with their phones, all to watch some film, where chandler bing caught a bad case of benjamin button disease causing him to be young again and turn into that douche that all the girls fancy from high school musical.
Anyways, the film was better that i thought it was going to be. It was still shit, i just thought that it was going to be really shit. I even laughed at one point. Which is more than I can say for benjamin button, which was long and boring and pointless.
I'm not saying that Zac Effron's movie, with the obvious, and used-many-times-before script is better than benjamin button, its just that i expected nothing from it, so i wasn't disappointed with it. I even left the cinema feeling slightly positive, in the sense that they managed to make a movie that had nothing going for it, not utter bolloks. In fact if the Oscars had a category for best worst movie, this should win it. Easily.
Although i do not recommend going to see it, not at all. Not ever.
To cheer me up from the realisation that working sucks ass, and will soon become my life and not just a holiday thing, when i finished today, my girlfriend took me to the cinema. Seems like a nice gesture, but I just could not be bothered and made it very obvious that it was not what i wanted to be doing. And the cinema in my town is so shit. I sat in an unbelievably uncomfortable seat, in a cinema full of girls chatting and lauging and illuminating the whole cinema with their phones, all to watch some film, where chandler bing caught a bad case of benjamin button disease causing him to be young again and turn into that douche that all the girls fancy from high school musical.
Anyways, the film was better that i thought it was going to be. It was still shit, i just thought that it was going to be really shit. I even laughed at one point. Which is more than I can say for benjamin button, which was long and boring and pointless.
I'm not saying that Zac Effron's movie, with the obvious, and used-many-times-before script is better than benjamin button, its just that i expected nothing from it, so i wasn't disappointed with it. I even left the cinema feeling slightly positive, in the sense that they managed to make a movie that had nothing going for it, not utter bolloks. In fact if the Oscars had a category for best worst movie, this should win it. Easily.
Although i do not recommend going to see it, not at all. Not ever.
Tuesday 31 March 2009
One fucking tough week
I've accidently left my wallet back home so it means i've got no cash until i go home on friday, well i've got a fiver but i'll have to save that for the bus home. It's gay-ass karma and her, ohh so funny sense of humour, having a great big laugh cause i said last week that i would never need a credit card. Well karma, you made your point, i could fucking do with one now.
It means that for this whole week (it's really only till friday, but still) i can't get any weed, not even any fags. It means that all i'm drinking is the few beers in the fridge and the little bit of whiskey in my room. It means i'm going to have to watch the Scotland game sober. It means i can't get drunk if they win, or more likely lose.
It means i'm going to have to pull out the old 5th year classic of licking and sticking someone else's stamp to sneak into the union on tuesday, realise how shit the music actually is, how ugly the girls actually are, and how drunk that state of "she's fine man, still standing up" actually is. It means i'll have to watch my drunken mates looking for that perfect girl, you know the sluttily dressed, up for anything, falling over themselves and looking to whore themselves out to any guy who'll buy them one drink (thats the going rate for whores in the union these days).
Well probally thats what'll happen, i've been clubbing once before without drinking, and that was the experience i was given, it makes you realise how shit clubbing actually is. But you never know, there could be a hula-hooping competition and my non-drunken state would secure me an easy victory, and the GB hula-hooping team scout could be in the crowd and i could end up in the world hula-hooping world championships.
But probally not. It'll probally be really shit night, i'll end up going home early, watch some late night poker, have a wank and end up in bed by 3.
At least i have tons of super noodles and beans, so i don't fucking starve. But man it's going to be tough, no fags or alcohol. It'll be like going to a detox clinic but watching everyone else have a great big fucking party.
If anyones looking for a fuck in glasgow, i think i'll start a wee prostitution buisness for the week. Females only.
Prices vary in direct proportion to your weight.
It means that for this whole week (it's really only till friday, but still) i can't get any weed, not even any fags. It means that all i'm drinking is the few beers in the fridge and the little bit of whiskey in my room. It means i'm going to have to watch the Scotland game sober. It means i can't get drunk if they win, or more likely lose.
It means i'm going to have to pull out the old 5th year classic of licking and sticking someone else's stamp to sneak into the union on tuesday, realise how shit the music actually is, how ugly the girls actually are, and how drunk that state of "she's fine man, still standing up" actually is. It means i'll have to watch my drunken mates looking for that perfect girl, you know the sluttily dressed, up for anything, falling over themselves and looking to whore themselves out to any guy who'll buy them one drink (thats the going rate for whores in the union these days).
Well probally thats what'll happen, i've been clubbing once before without drinking, and that was the experience i was given, it makes you realise how shit clubbing actually is. But you never know, there could be a hula-hooping competition and my non-drunken state would secure me an easy victory, and the GB hula-hooping team scout could be in the crowd and i could end up in the world hula-hooping world championships.
But probally not. It'll probally be really shit night, i'll end up going home early, watch some late night poker, have a wank and end up in bed by 3.
At least i have tons of super noodles and beans, so i don't fucking starve. But man it's going to be tough, no fags or alcohol. It'll be like going to a detox clinic but watching everyone else have a great big fucking party.
If anyones looking for a fuck in glasgow, i think i'll start a wee prostitution buisness for the week. Females only.
Prices vary in direct proportion to your weight.
Sunday 29 March 2009
Life is just a ride
Maybe life is a ride.
Enjoy yr ride. Take it fast, and ride it well. Do not think about what is after the ride and shit over anyone who tells you how to ride the ride. Do anything that will make you enjoy the ride and whatever will be fun because the ride is all about the fun. Ride as far as you can or as far as you want. When the fun stops you must leave the ride. Those are the rules of the ride, ignore them if you wish for it is yr ride.
Pugnaces mala,
Enjoy the trip.
Enjoy yr ride. Take it fast, and ride it well. Do not think about what is after the ride and shit over anyone who tells you how to ride the ride. Do anything that will make you enjoy the ride and whatever will be fun because the ride is all about the fun. Ride as far as you can or as far as you want. When the fun stops you must leave the ride. Those are the rules of the ride, ignore them if you wish for it is yr ride.
Pugnaces mala,
Enjoy the trip.
Student life
Being a student fucking rocks, like seriously shit hot. It's life the way it should be lived for all us people that aren't talented* enough to be living the rock life, on tour with the band. There is so much drink and women and drugs. Last night had me lying on the floor, almost passed out but in a weird drugged state where i still knew everything that was going on, trying my hardest to stand up, without whiteying, and walk over to the girl who had whispered in my ear earlier that she wanted to fuck me as soon as her boyfriend had left.
Unfortunately (especially for the ginger chick), i did not get a fuck, not even a drunken blowjob. I didn't even manage to stand up. I am told that the ginger chick also passed out somewhere after losing, badly and messily, a drinking contest.
I don't know what i am wanting to say, and i do not want to sound like an asshole who tells you what to believe in or how to live your life. But life is there to be lived, you have to grab it and shake it down hard till you have gotten everything you can from it. Then kill it and take anything that's left in its pockets.
peace out homies
x
*i debated with myself whether to say talented or lucky, because there are so many shit little bands out there who do not deserve/ should not be allowed to make music. But there are also some geniuses who have given me so much enjoyment from their music that i feel it would be disrespectful to feel that the only reason i do not share their fame is luck).
Unfortunately (especially for the ginger chick), i did not get a fuck, not even a drunken blowjob. I didn't even manage to stand up. I am told that the ginger chick also passed out somewhere after losing, badly and messily, a drinking contest.
I don't know what i am wanting to say, and i do not want to sound like an asshole who tells you what to believe in or how to live your life. But life is there to be lived, you have to grab it and shake it down hard till you have gotten everything you can from it. Then kill it and take anything that's left in its pockets.
peace out homies
x
*i debated with myself whether to say talented or lucky, because there are so many shit little bands out there who do not deserve/ should not be allowed to make music. But there are also some geniuses who have given me so much enjoyment from their music that i feel it would be disrespectful to feel that the only reason i do not share their fame is luck).
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